A little bit of truth.

Something has been playing on my mind and last night I decided getting it down in words might help, a little brain purge on a Sunday morning, it’s a step away from interiors, but it’s all linked.

I used to share a lot more photos of myself on social media, before I started my blog I wouldn’t shy away from group photos, I wasn’t adverse to a selfie or 2, maybe 3 or 4! But something changed, I had a second baby, I felt amazing all through pregnancy, birth is one of the best experiences of my life. Yes, I’m one of those people that others seem to either disbelieve, or think are bragging, in actual fact I’m just celebrating an achievement of mine, I give birth to babies like a boss, OK?! 

But it goes downhill from there, somewhere along the line I’ve buried myself so deeply in the things around me, my children, our home, I’m not really sure where I am anymore and I don’t recognise the person I see in the mirror. Some weight goes on, I joke about it, a little more, I buy some new clothes because that will make me feel better, right?! A bit more, but it’s ok because my house is looking quite nice. The next minute I’m buying a size clothes I’ve never ventured into and it seems a little less funny, a little more like drowning.

I don’t post many pictures of myself these days, because if I’m honest I’m ashamed of what I’ve got myself into, but it’s ok, because I’m tall and ‘you can carry it much better than most’….apparently.

I try to fix me, fail, so I fix something else. I love design and interior styling, I love to share with you here, but when I see people comment saying ‘everything about your life is so beautiful’, ‘you just have it all so sorted, ‘how to you manage to keep everything so perfect?’ I just want to shout DON’T YOU KNOW IT’S NOT TRUE?! I am completely winging it, like everyone else, when one part of my life dips, I up my game in another, but I am nowhere near ‘perfect’ and I think it’s really important for me to say that here, to you.

My house was photographed for Mollie Makes recently, I’m so excited to see our home in print, but there is a big dark cloud overshadowing that excitement, there will be photos of me, close up, as I am now, at my heaviest.

It shouldn’t matter, I say it doesn’t matter, but it does. I have seen them and I am a little shocked. No one is to blame, it isn’t the photographer’s fault, or the editor, it’s just a fact of life right now, one I need to accept, the photos are part of the truth. I can take a photo that I am reasonably happy with, but it will be 1 out of 20.

I don’t look like me and yet I do. I am me, not the person I was, not the person I want to be yet, just me and that has to be ok. Because I can’t be anyone else.

So there, a little bit of me that is less than perfect, but I am also more than I give myself credit for.
Happy Sunday.

32 Comments Add yours

  1. Alex says:

    Thank you for your honesty. It is very brave of you x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Z says:

    How amazingly refreshing and honest. I really appreciate you sharing that. I could have literally written that about myself word for word. I’m not alone in having these thoughts. Thank you so much!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ginny says:

    Morning, now, I don’t normally comment on posts (more of a reader and appreciator from afar!) But what a really honest, and actually quite moving piece to read from you on a Sunday morning. I think it’s so so important that you remember you are you, not *just* you, but a fabulous you that lives and breathes for your beautiful family. Putting yourself in the face of the public must be rather terrifying, especially if your feeling self conscious, but people will not judge you, you are the worst critic. Be happy with the beautiful person that you are and the beautiful world that you are creating for your family. There’s no point in comments writing ‘you’ve nothing to worry about…blah blah blah’ it’s too easy to say and too hard to hear- believe me, from one whose struggled with weight forever! And I’ve always had the ‘but your tall…’ comment too. Doesn’t make it easier (although actually grateful I’m not 5ft nothing, as I’d be like a weeble!)
    Ultimately be happy. However you chose, however you feel you can. And if (only if) you want to change something, do it for you. No one else. Much love x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your lovely words Ginny xx

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  4. Anna George says:

    Your honesty is admirable Alice. Like you, I’ve struggled with my weight since my last baby, and finding the time and energy to dedicate to myself is almost impossible. Someone or something else always needs my attention. I’ve come to the realisation that I’m never going to look like I did when I was 20. I’m very lucky to be being married to a wonderful man who loves me, chubby or not. I hope you find some peace with how you are or the time to make some changes. You’re an inspiration and I’m loving your posts x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Anna, it’s so hard isn’t it, I just can’t make the changes I need, I’m my own worst critic/enemy!

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  5. Sarah says:

    I absolutely ‘hear ya’, Alice.
    ‘when one part of my life dips, I up my game in another’ is exactly me too.
    Lots of love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Corinne says:

    Thank you for your honesty Alice. I have followed you for a while and have fallen for the lifestyle ( picking up lots of great tips on the way!). The truth is there are only so many hours in the day and so many priorities! Sometimes we are the last to get any attention! Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Corinne ❤

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  7. Hi Alice, thank you for your honest post. I’ve been there…hang on, *am* there and have been for longer than I can remember. Just getting back to caring for myself a little more and striving to remind myself daily that although I’m not other people’s idea of perfect, I’m still pretty damn good. I’ve made a beautiful child, I’ve got a lovely home (even though it’s a right mess at the mo) and although I’m 2 sizes bigger than I was before becoming a mum, my body still does what I need it to (apart from sleep through the night!) and I am reasonably financially secure. But some days I’ll go to social events and worry about how my lower half looks. And I know it’s a total waste of brain power. It sucks.

    I’m a total believer in not judging people by appearances or even behaviour now, because I know it’s impossible to know what’s going on underneath, and that we need to be kinder to each other AND OURSELVES! x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Rachel, its a tough one isn’t it!

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  8. Kirsty Marnoch says:

    Totally get what you’re saying, I had a baby in December and am now at my absolute heaviest and really don’t like seeing pictures of myself at all (well, anything neck down and any pics someone else has taken where I haven’t had the chance to edit and filter!!). So I bit the bullet and joined slimming world two weeks ago. I know it’ll take ages but I feel more positive knowing I’m doing something about it. But I bet you’ll look lovely in your photo anyway and everything will be so busy lusting after your house they won’t give what you look like a second thought! Your house is lush, your girls are beautiful and I for one think you are way cooler for saying that despite the appearances, life isn’t perfect! Thank goodness otherwise I might have to stop following you 😉 Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha, thank you Kirsty ❤❤

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  9. Thanks for that bit of honesty – I think everyone feels the way you do. Almost all the time. And I also think that the people making comments about how awesome you are have the right idea – they’re not focusing on the things that you’re nervous about because you’re awesome anyway and those things don’t matter to them like they matter to you. I think we all need more people reminding us that we are incredibly amazing and less who compare us to ideals. I always love following your posts and was one of the people who thought you were awesome … and still do 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely ❤❤

      Like

  10. Lotte Read says:

    Sounds so familiar … it’s uncanny😒 … I struggle with putting things into words of late … You’ve done great writing this…. I put on nearly 4 stone a few years ago and didn’t realise until I saw a photo of myself one day …. each child I seem to gain a stone I can’t shift each time….. definitely gets harder the older you get! Everything you’ve said… has hit the nail on the head! Great blog Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Lotte, I’m sorry you’re feeling in the same boat too. Xx

      Like

  11. Such a brave and beautifully written post, thank you so much for sharing Alice xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Hannah ❤

      Like

  12. Jane Wheeler says:

    Good blog Alice. It’s a tough subject matter, your ‘real’ self.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. lindyzubairy says:

    Alice – I I really love you for posting that and I utterly know that place you’re in. I’m a little bit older (OK, a lot!) and please be comforted by the reminder that you will get past it – either through losing the weight somehow, or becoming genuinely reconciled – one way or the other, it doesn’t actually matter. You are a gorgeous person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words Lindy ❤ xx

      Like

  14. Chaotic Itzi says:

    It’s hard being there. I can safely say that I have been there and I’d say that I am still there more often than not. We tell ourselves that it doesn’t matter but it does. Being aware of it and fighting it is a step forward.
    I think that after having children, you pour so much of yourself into them, into the house, that you forget about you. Remember to love yourself. Make time for you. Easier said than done, I know… but start with small steps…
    Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I understand this so well. People assume as I do fashion posts I must not be bothered by the fact that I am plus size. But I am, before children I was a size 10/12, even smaller a few years before, but having the kids brought on some serious health issues for me and I have rocketed in size.

    I try to embrace who I am by buying new clothes and feeling ok in what I wear, most of the time I can cover the cracks.

    There is no point me telling you how stunning you are, as right now you can’t see it and thus believe it. What I will say is saying it aloud will hopefully help, you will find a way to feel better I am sure of it. If I can di anything to help please shout, even if you want someone to moan at xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the kind words ❤❤

      Like

  16. I totally get this. I think after having kids we lose our way a bit, our weight changes and our identity gets confused. I went shopping a few weeks ago and bought a dress I would never normally buy these days (with a plunging neckline). I wouldn’t normally buy it because I’m a Mum and I don’t wear things like that any more. But you know what, I felt amazing in it so I went for it. But I remember standing in the changing room thinking thought the same as you, I don’t really know who I’m meant to be anymore! I don’t know what the answer is, but just wanted to share that I get it 🙂 I do think that with time we become more comfortable with new versions of ourselves though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for sharing ❤

      Like

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